6.03.2006

Like Giving a Cat a Pill

The cub had a nosebleed on Thursday, once getting up from his afternoon nap, and again that evening. Since then, the nostril has remained slightly crusted in black, as apparently whatever the source of the nosebleed is continues to seep lightly.

Of course, with the first nosebleed, I consulted all of my child health references. They unanimously directed that I should "gently grasp the soft portion of the child's nose (the part at the bottom) with your thumb and forefinger, applying pressure, for ten minutes." If the nosebleed had not stopped by then, I was to repeat the procedure. If it still hadn't stopped, I was to call my pediatrician.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

All of these references are written for the care of children from newborn to five years old. The cub is thirteen months old. I can barely get a tissue near enough his nose to wipe it, much less hold onto it for ten minutes. The books show the perfect example of good information that is completely useless. Maybe they could also include a section describing the manner in which to accomplish the ten-minute nose hold:

1) Gently grasp child's body entirely with left hand and arm, clutching child close to your chest.

2) Retrieve child from under dining room table and repeat step 1).

3) Spray blood stains in blouse with stain remover and change into black pants and black t-shirt.

4) Sit in comfortable chair and hold child between knees, cupping back of head with left hand, while gently grasping bottom of nose with right hand.

5) Wash bite wound well with warm soapy water, and dress wound with topical antibiotic ointment and bandage. Make note to self to call doctor if fever or feelings of light-headedness develop.

6) Pull child down from bookcases that child scaled while you were tending bite wound.

7) Review contents of refrigerator and pantry for items to use as bribe to persuade child to let you hold onto nose for ten minutes; realize that child is thirteen months old and doesn't understand bribes yet.

8) Attempt to distract child with favorite DVD recording while you slowly reach for nose from behind.

9) Apply ice pack to your nose where the back of your child's head smacked it when he jerked away from your grip on his nose. Insert wads of gauze to stem bleeding.

10) Notice that child's nosebleed has stopped, apparently after getting down from the bookcase (make note to self to clean blood off bookcase); call partner to come look after child while you drive to emergency clinic for your broken nose.

2 comments:

LoriLaurieLauri said...

LMAO! Your description is much more realistic than any book on childrearing I have ever read!

I also wanted to say...I linked over here from Badger. I saw you were looking for Austin Mommy Bloggers. I'm not actually in Austin...I'm in San Antonio...but I was BORN in Austin...and I visit there frequently...does that count???

Well...even if it doesn't, I like your blog anyway! lol!

Type A Mama said...

Woohoo! Thanks, Laurie! I'm so thrilled to know another blogger mama!