5.26.2006

I Thought It Wouldn't Happen to Me

Growing up in the '70's, we gals got two messages pounded into us: have a career, and get married and have children. It's like the western world can't figure out what it's supposed to do with women. We're bright, capable, and yet we're also the uteruses for the human enterprise, and the enterprise fails if we don't keep wanting to incubate new humans and then nurture them and shield them with our very bodies if necessary so that they successfully grow into contributing members of the enterprise, thus ensuring the continuity of the species.

So I: got into a great college (check); majored in something useless and got into a great grad school (check); got a fabulous advanced degree and clawed my way to a half-decent career (check); got married (check); had a kid (check); put the kid into daycare (huh?); put the career on the back burner working part-time to still try to also be a mom and a wife (wtf?); felt guilty and resentful daily because I still enjoy my work (bad mom) and yet I'd happily quit in a heartbeat to do nothing but take care of my son and have a clean, organized house with plants blooming on the porch and a delicious meal waiting for my husband every evening (what a waste of an incredible education and years of hard work).

And then something happened Thursday that just put a stake in my heart (yes, still watching BTVS reruns). The cub's caretaker came at her usual time on Thursday morning and, as usual, got the cub up from his morning nap while I finished getting ready to go in to the office. When I came in to the cub's room for a bye-bye hug and kiss, the cub CLUNG TO THE NANNY. He has never, ever, E-V-E-R preferred anyone's hugs to mine. I shook it off and didn't force the matter (how sick would that have been?) and nibbled his toes and stroked his forehead and went on to work.

When DH told my mother-in-law about it, she kindly said don't worry, it happens to everyone. I kind of knew that, but somehow thought it wouldn't happen to me.

The cub developed a fever today - his first in almost three months. It came out of nowhere and is pretty high, so la doctora thinks it's probably viral and will just have to run it's course. I hate seeing him sick. I can tell that he doesn't feel well and I hate not being able to make it all better for him.

No comments: