I've been reading some very entertaining blogs by women, other wives and mothers, that I don't even know. I feel like a voyeur reading their blogs, and a little sheepish, like I'm turning into some sort of Internet Peeping Tomasina. But I'm discovering two things: 1) we all have very similar problems, victories, hopes and fears; and 2) I live a very isolated life.
I am only able to work part-time right now, because the cub can't go into regular daycare, and I wouldn't make enough working full-time to afford a full-time individual caretaker. Because I'm a free agent who charges by the hour, and my part-time caretaker is paid by the hour, I feel guilty about any hour that she's got the cub and I'm not working. If I'm paying for a caretaker, then I damn well better be able to bill for the time.
Also, because I'm working part-time (M-Th, 10-4), I'm unable to schedule any sort of regular playdates for the cub. His caretaker doesn't know any of my friends and is a spanish speaker, so I'm not sure that she (or my friends) would be comfortable taking him to someone else's house where she can't communicate with them or vice versa. Also, since most (read: all) of my friends are now mothers themselves, the only time that there is to realistically spend time with them is as a playdate, and I'm usually working during prime playdate hours. When I get home, it's a little bit of time with the cub, dinner, tv, and bed.
DH, bless his good intentions, supports my taking time for myself while the nanny is with the cub, but read above re availability of my friends. I just need to hold it together until the cub can get back to a regular full-time daycare program so that I can take off mornings or afternoons with him for us both to go spend time with friends. Until then, I'm afraid I'm stuck in this rut.